Monday, October 27, 2008

checking in....

I must apologize for my neglect of this space for the past few weeks. I have been feeling less focused and sometimes completely uninspired and I am not sure how to convey those feelings. I am not used to expressing the negative. I am an expert at smoothing things over, finding the positive in any situation or making it appear that everything is alright but the truth is that most of the time that is like icing over a big bowl of…well, you know.

I am sure that this is yet another period of transformation for me. Those are never easy. I am not sure who I will be when I make it back, or if ‘back’ is an illusion because there is only forward, but nevertheless, something is about to break. Hope it’s not my back.

I had an amazing talk with my Dad and Mom last week and the consensus was that I do not feel worthy. My ego wants to argue, because he is the one who would ice over that, but that is the truth. The reason I have been drawn to the area of Self-Worth is because I need some.

I read a column the next day that Oprah wrote about what she knows for sure about body image and in it was a quote from a letter that Marianne Williamson wrote to her sixteen years ago. I knew it was what I needed to hear because tears sprang to my eyes. Here is the quote:

"Until you accept the magnitude of your function, your unconscious mind will sabotage any attempt to show your full magnificence. In fact, if you diet and lose weight, your mind will either put the weight back on or trip up in some other area. In order to lose weight on a permanent basis, you want a shift in your belief about who and what you are. This is the miracle you seek."

You can read the entire column here: http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200806_omag_mission

So my mission is to accept the magnitude of my function. I am looking for opportunities to do that and for new ways that my spirit is speaking me. If anyone has any suggestions or comments, bring em on!

I am starting with a course on Connecting with My Higher Self that begins tomorrow night. If you are in the St.John’s area and would like more info go to www.lifeonfire.ca

I will keep you posted on every twist and turn of this journey so wish me enlightenment, luck has nothing to do with it!

Alison

Friday, October 3, 2008

listening

Watching my father take on a triple bypass has changed me. I am not sure exactly how but I do know that nothing is the same. My endless ability to put things off is not working anymore; my lack of solid commitment in certain areas is not working anymore and the fantasy idea that I have all the time in the world to get myself sorted is most definitely not working anymore. But honestly, I feel a tad overwhelmed. Where does one start when they want to make huge changes? Where does one find peace, courage, commitment, perseverance? As I write this I know it is within. I know I must get silent and I know I must push past the voice of the ego and listen for the voice of inspiration. Sshhhhh……

The universe is reaching out to me in mysterious ways and trying to figure out what I need to do is driving me a little crazy. That is part of the reason for the delay in writing here. Not really knowing what to say. It seems that circumstances are presenting themselves that will enable me to concentrate on myself, something I find very hard to do. Give me your problem and I will help you solve it, give me your pain and I will help soothe it, give me your fear and I will help you gather courage but faced with my own life I become paralyzed as if expressing what I need to will kill me. Man, that damn ego is one powerful piece of work.

I am praying for guidance, if you have some, let me know.

Love

Alison